Ah was pure lukin’ on the internet fur heavy choons and that, then I mind I hud this crackin’ wee fucking track fae ages ago. Some mad cunt caud Glasgow Gangster Funk hud this pure wee magic choon own Southern Fried Records. It wasnae like pure magic and that, but it was pretty sound man.
Noo whit’s fucking mad is that nae cunt remembers this choon, and nae cunt even kens who he is. But that’s whit I’m aw aboot, know what I’m sayin’? Suh yur own tae plumbs if ye think I cun tell ye anyhin mair aboot the cunt. In fact, I dinnae even ken if he’s fuckin’ fae Glesca.
So what’s the score wi this wan then, en is it any good at aw? Well aye man, it’s not too rough at aw. It’s like a mair manky Dj Sneak or sumhin’ like that. Like fucking Olav Basoski back in the day, but fae the toon (mibbey).
Ye cun fucking hear this bein’ played oot in aw the auld clubs, but the mad hing is that I don’t think any cunt did.
Glasgow Gangster Funk “Come On Die Young”
Fuckin’… nine tracks or sumhin’ own the disc, which isnae bad considerin’ I only paid oot a couple o’ notes. They’re aw pretty similar, pure heavy samples and dead basic synths (like the cunt cannae fucking play en he’s jus’ writtin’ the maste basic shit he cun tae go down wi the samples). But that’s no aw bad cus it sounds pretty clean, en I knaw I said there was hunners aw samples en that, but ye can tell that it’s aw pure auld gear he’s yased. Like it aw sounds as if it’s strugglin’ just to keep up – it must huv been a pure pain in the baws tae get this done back in the day. En ye ken whit? I appreciate it noo. I fucking appreciate the work that went intae building this wee record. This is somhin’ that’s fuckin’ pure oor the heids aw aw the Ableton “drag & drop” weans, aw pure writing pish dance music, know?
So, naw, it isnae a master piece by nae means but it’s no bad as awe curio, aw days gone by ye know? When you cud fucking walk doon the toon en drap intae a wee record shop and fuckin’ be like “awright mate” and he’s be aw “awright man”. Noo it’s aw fucking HMV and online pish. Even Rub-A-Dub is fully of Ableton USB shite noo. You just cannae buy the choons any mair.
French rich kids and pseudo-musicians Daft Punk finally shat out another LP, seemingly to the universal praise of fans and critics, but mostly to the joy of advertisers and money grabbing PR men drowned in the sound clasped hands sweatily rubbing together.
The lead single “Get Lucky”, is perhaps the least inspired piece of music I’ve ever heard. It’s so generically average that it almost becomes remarkable in its self. Worst still, I’ve been forced to endure this abomination of music every-bastard-where I go – in the car to work, in work, on the TV, on the radio… It’s inescapable, and it’s making me want to tear the ears of the side of my head.
Pharell’s vocals are terribly boring, uninspired, and lazily delivered. Every syllable is like nails on a fucking chalkboard. Very few recordings exist where the lead vocalist doesn’t commit to the recording. Calling this ‘phoned in’ would be quite the compliment.
As for the actual “music”… fuck sakes man…
The same chord progression loops endlessly, Nile’s attempts and to his credit, succeeds to use his generic wah guitar to bore me to death, and empty blandness engulfs me to the extent that I can no longer physically breathe.
As the track reaches its conclusion, Daft Punk “cleverly” introduce the patented vocoder bullshit over the top. It’s executed so poorly and is so unashamedly bad that I have never once managed to listen to the whole thing without putting my head in my hands.
I’d go as far as saying that no music in the last 10 years, be it amateur or professional, has made me want to pull my hair out as much as the new Paft Dunk shalbum.
Oh, you wondering why I mention the album in the title, but only talk about one track? Well that’s because they’re all the fucking same pish. Same fucking chord progressions, same horrible writing, same sense of falling into a dark and empty room and smashing your head on the wall to relieve your monotony…
Zero out of ten. Would not ever fucking listen to again, not even in a life or death situation. Would not recommend, not even to the most throughly deaf moron.
There are very few arguably perfect pieces of music. Music that effectively ends a genre by providing the final answer that everyone else searched for. It was Luomo who perfected modern house music with “The Present Lover”, and Bowie’s “Hunky Dory” perfected rock/pop. Miles Davis’ ‘Kind Of Blue’ is an undeniable example of perfection wrapped in jazz, just as Underworld’s ‘Second Toughest In The Infants’ perfected the techno genre in one fell swoop. Nas showed us in 1994 that hiphop need search no longer for flawlessness, while back in Scotland, The Rhythmic State “Soap On A Rope (Hype Remix)” was released.
There’s also the less celebrated examples of perfection, made redundant by existing in genres that were passing trends and fashions. The Artful Dodger “Rewind” single-handedly introduced the world the crazy fucked up two-step garage as Mark Morrison perfected the UK R&B sound (yes, I’m serious).
But underneath even these, obscured and hidden away from anyone fortunate enough not to be stuck in the West Of Scotland in the early 90’s (which can only be remembered only with a bitter/sweet fondness) is something of equal perfection.
Ladies and gentlemen, I kindly present to you what is in my opinion the epithet of perfection in hardcore. This is The Rhythmic State “Soap On A Rope (Hype Remix)”. Yes, it’s called Soap On A Road, and no, unfortunately I don’t know what that means.
The Rhythmic State “Soap On A Rope (Hype Remix)”
Enjoy five and a half minutes of bouncing, chomping silliness and remember – music like this can’t be made now without a sense of irony and self-awareness that never seemed to exist in the 90s, and that even now that only the hippest of hipsters possess.
Just like Davis’ “Kind Of Blue” or Nas’ “Illmatic”, Soap On A Rope (Hype Remix) cannot be replicated in any way. The difference is, it’s a forgotten piece, forever lost in time and long out of fashion. In both a blessing and a curse, it won’t appear on the “Best Of the 90’s” CD, nor will it be used in TV adverts to nostalgia-rob 30-somethings.
So as it turns out, the crazy pre-master, band camp hosted, Jai Paul album is not actually an official release. There’s a lot of confusion and speculation about what’s happened, and what that means for Jai.
What we know it’s that Jai is trying to distance himself from the release, announcing that the demos were not released by him, and most recently that his laptop had been “stolen”.
Jai Paul Album Update
There’s two things we need to take away from these happenings. Number one, the album is really good, especially for a bootleg. Number two, everyone is bullshitting us.
Jai is lying to us – no one “loses” their laptop with their newly complete album on it, all lovingly pre-rendered in low quality MP3. No cunning thief steals a laptop, notices it’s a (yet to be) famous musician, and fucking sets up a Band Camp using their own bank account. Lastly, it doesn’t take 48 hours for a major label to remove a bootleg from Band Camp – not a chance!
XL are lying to us – they’re fucking pissed off about an album / mixtape leaking so early – especially when money is changing hands. They’ve either pissed off Jai to the point where he no longer cares about his deal and is going independent, or this is actually a mixtape that Jai is making money off before releasing his “real” album later in the month on XL.
What I do agree with is that it’s certainly an interesting turn of events, one I couldn’t have begun to predict. It also means that we’ll more than likely see another, official Jai Paul release quite soon.
Did the Jai Paul album just leak? Was it released? What’s going on? I’m confused.
Edit: No one seems to know. XL Recordings are desperately trying to take it down, the FLAC is a lossy master, and Jai’s website says nothing about it. So to be honest, I have no idea. I’ve thrown in my £7 for a copy, and I’m quite please with it. I’ll be even more please if it turns out to be a giant ‘fuck you’ from Jai to XL Recordings. Nothing personal against XL, it’s just always nice to see 😉
I waited a long time for Pusha T “Wrath Of Caine” – years in fact. I remember back when “NoMalice” was just “Malice”, the Re-Up Gang consisted of all four members, and Pusha was part the Clipse and not the G.O.O.D music marketing machine™.
Those days came and went, but Pusha always remained consistently interesting and consistently brilliant. Murdering MCs on their own tracks, dropping magic wherever magic fell.
He retained integrity even after signing to a major label, and pairing up with the obvious charlatan Rick Ross more than once. Not an easy task.
He seems like a nice guy in interviews too, like easy-going and care free. He can see the line between hip hop as a life style and hip hop as an art form.
Pusha T “Wrath Of Caine” mixtape
I love the Clipse, I love the Re-Up Gang, I love Pusha. That’s why it pains me to say that his newest mixtape “Wrath Of Caine” is fucking awful.
It’s a shallow and uninspired production. There’s a Jamaican flavour to everything which just doesn’t sit well along P’s lyricism. Not to mention Antony B and High Priest of the Antipop Consortium perfected it a decade ago. It’s just not relevant or edgy any more. If it was only the aesthetics that were misjudged on the record I could forgive it, but everything is off.
The tracks are boring and horribly produced, the lyrics are lost in compression artifacts and digital clipping. Even the artwork is shit – five minutes of an intern using photoshop for the first time. It’s a mess. Pusha sounds as if he’s going through the motions, utterly uninspired and boring. He shows none of the wit, confidence or swagger we’ve taken for granted all this time.
“Pain” isn’t on it. “Exodus 23:1” isn’t on it. “New God Flow” isn’t on it.
Instead we get amateur backing tracks, plastered with bad takes of leftover verses. I can only hope that this is a case of P holding back the good stuff for the album, but now I’m not sure.
The best track on “Wrath Of Caine” is Blocka. I didn’t much like Blocka.
EDIT: Actually, in the cold hard light of day, and after adequate time to fully digest the thing – it’s not that bad at all. It’s not what I hoped for, especially the beats and production, but on the whole it’s not that bad. I don’t do the Jamaican thing, and Pusha is sounding a little formulaic now, but I can still roll with it. You know, if push comes to shove (You can take that line Terrence, royalty free.)
MILLI MILLIONS IN THE CEILING MILLI MILLIONS IN THE CEILING MILLI MILLIONS IN THE CEILING MILLI MILLIONS IN THE CEILING / CHOPPA CHOPPAS IN THE CLOSET CHOPPA CHOPPAS IN THE CLOSET CHOPPA CHOPPAS IN THE CLOSET CHOPPA CHOPPAS IN THE CLOSET
It’s been a while since we’ve heard anything official from big Earl, and I know I’m a bit late to the game on this one, but his newest track “Chum” is unusually melancholy. It follows the patented Odd Future formula, semi-low-fi, looped pianos ad nauseam… No new ground covered, same aesthetic, same fatherless flow.
In fact, the only really striking aspect of the track is just how much it resembles something that Mike Skinner from “The Streets” could have written about ten years ago. Not that that’s intrinsically a bad thing but it’s not what I expect not want from the Sweatshirt. I hoped for better from the boy/man who wrote “in the attic armed with an addict’s arm”.
Yeah! New Pusha coming very soon. You can hear the preview on his website. But of course you’ve already done that because in fifteen years, P is yet to drop a bad line.
And as much as I love Pusha T, I’m really just posting this to quickly get rid of that wall of text that resides below.
No foolin’. My name is my name.
Broadly speaking, I’m not a fan of remixes nor the culture that built up around them. They’ve always been a cynical marketing ploy to try to get big name producers on marketable material, or a shallow disguise to push the latest generic pop trash into the clubs, neither of which interest me greatly.
But hey, I survived the “mash-up” craze of the late 90s, and I can survive this.
You know it’s good because it says ‘remix’ on the cover eleven times.
There’s currently three types of remix as far as I can tell. The first is possibly the worst, but certainly the most prevalent remix-type; “use an upcoming trendy producer to push my shit into the clubs and try to give it some credentials remix“. This generally consists entirely of stealing the hook and melody from a pop tune and pasting it over modern drum samples. That’s it really, it’s that primitive.
Clear examples of this are Carly Rae Jepsen’s “Call Me Maybe Remixes”, featuring such gems as “Manhattan Clique Remix”, “10 Kings Vs Ollie Green Remix”, “Coyote Kisses Remix”. Producers so fresh and trendy, even I don’t know who they are. Each one of them is an example of approx. 10 minutes work in Ableton. The “Coyote Kisses Remix” isn’t even in the right fucking key… Disastrous.
The second remix type commonly found is “pay an extremely popular dj-type to remix my rubbish track, and hope his name brings customers remix“. Here a ‘big name’ producer receives a few thousand quid to remix something they’ve probably never heard. Olav Basoski, Jan Driver, FatBoy Slim, Basement Jaxx, Moby are all guilty of this… It’s their bread and butter. It’s how they pay the mortgage.
Lastly, we have the “oh shit, I forgot I was supposed to remix that remix“. This can occur in either of the two situations posted above, and results vary greatly. What seems to happen is the producer is so uninterested in remixing the material that they completely forget to do so. Panic then sets in as the deadline approaches, they can almost see the money leaving their bank account.
So what do they do? Send in an utterly unrelated work, of course! Good examples would be Pub’s “Summer (They Can’t See Us In The Dark) Delay Configuration 1”. 19 minutes of wobbling dub craziness, and one of the best pieces of music I own. Sadly, it’s not a remix of “Summer”, not in any sense of the word. It is magic though. Poor examples include Antipop Consortium’s “Volcano (Four Tet Remix)” or Underworld’s “Beautiful Burnout (Pig & Dan Remix)”. Irrelevant dance tracks, plopped on a disc in the hopes that the title will be enough to fool a listener.
One of the worst records I’ve ever bought.
As you can see, there’s really no middle ground in which good remixes occur frequently. We can quickly score off the first remix type, because trendy new producers do what trendy new producers do – produce trendy bullshit. The next two types are somewhat less predictable, and this is where we can occasionally find some gems, albeit in a greatly diluted ratio.
What do I think makes a good remix? That’s a very good question.
There’s no formula, but good remix I think is something that enhances or reshapes what’s already there. It creates something new while respectfully adhering to some segments of the original material. There should be enough of a relationship to the original to make to connection, but done with a new slant. It doesn’t pander to an audience or particular market segment (yuk!). It doesn’t just enhance what’s there, it creates some new from it.
Now, after six-hundred odd words of rambling bullshit, we can get on point. What is the best remix of all time? I’ll bet at this point you’re expecting me to say something gruelling and pretentious like the afore mentioned Pub’s “Summer (They Can’t See Us In The Dark) Delay Configuration 1”. Well I’m not.
Instead I’m suggesting that the little known and commercial unsuccessful Frankie Goes To Hollywood’s “Two Tribes (Olav Basoski Tiberium Power Mix)” is the best remix of all time. That’s right, the man with over 100 ‘remixes-for-money’ to his name finally struck gold.
The entire original track is here, beautifully decomposed and broken down while a thick Olav beat, heavy with bongo accompaniment, drives the whole thing along. External tracks are beautifully filtered and scattered haphazardly, appearing and vanishing at will. Sirens scream, percussion is heavy and reverb laden. The track builds and escalates expertly – in nine and a half minutes, almost half is occupied by breaks, both large and small. It perfectly captures the mood of the original piece (even the gayness), and projects it into something modern and contemporary (well, for 1999 anyway).
Frankie Goes To Hollywood – “Two Tribes (Olav Basoski Tiberium Power Mix)” break snippet
It remains recognisable enough to hear the original, yet different enough to be a worth while listen. It’s larger than the original but more focused – albeit narrowly dance floor focused. It’s fresh, yet somewhat uninspired. It does something new via iteration not revelation. It’s everything a remix should be, right down to the flaws.
And there lies the problem of remixes. If it’s good enough to be an original production, shouldn’t it be one? And if it’s not good enough to be an original production, is there a need for it at all?
Remixes happen now predominantly because they are easy to do. You ship some samples off, someone loads then up in a DAW, a derivative track pops out. No one takes them seriously and no one should. It’s part of a culture that remains steadily content with taking credit for, and claiming self-expression through, others works. Have you ever looked on Facebook/MySpace/Bebo/Twitter/Google+ and been taken back by how many people express themselves through music they’ve never been involved with? Violently defend films they’ve only watched? Harp on about how one art form is better than another, even although they participate in neither?
This remix culture is a part of that, or maybe a product belonging to it. Few creators, lots of critics, and even more wannabes. Right now it’s easier to make music than it’s ever been. If you own a PC you now have the most complete and versatile studio humanity has ever seen. The possibilities for new creation are endless, yet what do we occupy ourselves with? Putting new rhythms under old tracks. Nostalgia driven footering. Longing for good results while putting in the least required efforts.
We got lazy and content, and this is only exacerbating the situation. I don’t like remixes, and you shouldn’t either.
Ok, I’ve changed my mind, the best remix ever is Pub’s ridiculously named “Summer (They Can’t See Us In The Dark) Delay Configuration 1”. Oh wait, I forgot about Armand Van Helden’s “Professional Widow” remixes! Shit. Look, I’ve fuckin’ written myself into a corner here.
